Weave me

I am a weaver on paper

I weave lace in my drawings 

Weave words in my stories

Weaver of my own will and mind

Still could not weave enough

For my own life

Another night

Ah, you foolish little heart.

Never could understand why it felt the way it did, why others got the things you wanted so dearly. You only got to dream of them.

Maybe there were lessons to be learned in those long lone nights. But for how long can a lesson be, until it turns into a torture. Silence was an amazing teacher, until it yelled so loud, and all you wished for was to be more.

Ah you foolish little heart.

Knowing you tried to do all the right things, yet still end up in empty embraces. With all the love you wanted to give but only to end up loving your tears rolling down your face. Yet you keep longing for all the impossible things, and that just breaks me in a million different ways.

Foolish, of you to keep fighting, what if all you want the most cannot find its way to you. What if you are not good enough to deserve it to come your way. What if your hopes are just pointlesly sown into the wind. 

What a fool you are, indeed.

 

Don't wait

 No. World did not break for those few moments when she let herself be vulnerably broken. She would wrap her arms around her, tightly. She would find comfort and healing in her own hold. Let the oceans from her eyes pour. Break down for a little bit, just a minute or two. Before she lets herself go from her own embrace and dries herself off. Lifts herself up and while proudly wearing herself she keeps moving on.

No. The world would not stop for her. It would keep spinning and moving on. Just as did she.

That day

 Something else broke in me that day. I am sure it was already chipping away for a while, but that day, in just a minute one, it broke all the way. I cannot name it, I can only feel it. It was there one moment and next, none of it was left. As all the other broken things in me, it will stay with me. Only with me. Just another broken thing to the collection of broken things of my mind.

 

I deserve to be well

 I deserve to be well. 

I deserve all the good things they said I cannot have. I do deserve them. And I can find thousand of reasons why I should not, but instead I want to choose to repeat to myself the same words over and over again.

I deserve to be well.

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to be loved.

Kinda like that

 Whenever I had a chance for a night like this. I dare to say I longed for it for so long. To fall asleep gazing into her wonderful eyes, experiencing her melancholy that she caries within, but never gives in. 

With my hands on her naked skin. Traveling along the highs and lows. Exploring the curves she has acquired, feeling the scars that she has gained. All that life has given her, but she never gives in. 

Softly, warmly trace my fingers up her spine until I reach her soft hair, brush my fingers through it over and over again, but even if she trembles from my touch, she never gives in. 

I might lose my sleep this night, there is no regret in this. I would be ready to lose myself in her everynight, she is a painting and I want to count every brushstroke on her. Savour the simple take of this moment, she is my muse, but she never gives in.

 

Timeless

Sometimes I do not have enough words to fill the silence around me.

My thoughts run empty since they do not even know anymore where to go.

All, but feel so stuck when the time is moving on. 

It stops for noone. 

Not even us. 

Sometimes waiting seems useless. Moving on seems pointless. Just need a moment, when we are given none. 

What we need the most from people we care about, we are given none. Touchless silence, thousand ways to find avoidance in us. Asking is running away. Giving is the same as taking. 

All of this is just a mess. Just loud words to fill the void of freedom. Where you even listening when it mattered? 

Choices that none could make, for the all the reasons unknown. Questionable on both parts, for sure.

Maybe someday I will wake up lighter, until then I carry the dreams heavily. Chaoticaly.