30.12.18

Oh it's been so..


Naked skin to skin
Gazing eye to eye
Exposing my harsh nature
Passion I burried so deep 
But here we are
Naked skin to skin
Kissing lips to lips
Feeling shock of the action
Should we even be here
But here we are
Naked skin to skin
Cruising hands all over
Body yours, ours, mine
Ouh lets never stop
Here we are
Naked skin to skin

29.12.18

On my own


Time moves on
My memory fades
I can't seem to remember
One thing or two
How did it feel to be
Fuzzy and warm
How was it to be embraced
In somebody's hug
Hold a hand 
Of someone you like
Give a kiss
To other lips
Feel so happy
You almost fly
Most of all I cannot recall
How did it feel
To be loved

23.12.18

Long road


It's the darkest room I have ever been to. I close her eyes and lead her in the middle. Ask her to wait. Extra second won't hurt anyone.
Spotlights so bright, they illuminate the middle of the room, where she is standing still. Her eyes still closed, I wish I could stop this moment forever, to see her like this for a little bit longer. She is so calm, so simple, so perfect. 
I turn on her favorite song, and just step by step I approach her. You say magic is not real, but when I see her swaying to the music so perfectly in rhythm, this doesn't feel real at all. She has put a spell on me, or maybe I have on her?
I'm so close next to her, and before I take her hand, I take a deep, deep breath and just make a picture in my mind of her smile. This moment seemed so impossible yesterday.
I walk up my finger up her arm and once I reach her hair I move it behind her ear just like she usually does it, she tingles a bit and laughs. I grab her second arm, and start swaying together with her. We are not her and him anymore, we are one. I put my cheek next to hers, feel the calm sensuality of this one moment we share. There is no rush. Songs may change one after another, but here we are, loosing all the time in world just to a single dance. 
This will be one dreamfull night, for us to remember.

19.12.18


I don't want to hide..but i do

Time wraps itself around myself
Slowly
In slow motion..
Everytime I walk by you

Sounds disappear into void
Quietly
I can't hear this quiet..
Everytime you say a word to me

I become so confused by my own mind
To keep on
Or to stop and say something..
Everytime I see you

Every fucking day

17.12.18

It scares her a little. If after all this time she won't be able to excite you in a way that you deserve. So she just gives you shy smiles, and quick glances, but she wants more.
So much time she has counted on her own, she learned to love her to be, who she is. So she fears that someone could take this all away again, but she wants more. Having so much broken endings, could she be able to give you a perfect beginning? What if its too late, but she wants more.
Run after her in rain and snow, let it seep through your soul. Push your eyes through her eyes, look how deep it all goes. How deep you could fall into that rabbit hole that she is? The perfect destruction, naive clumsiness that she cannot hide, but she wants more.
Give her a hand, feel that she is freezing, trembling. Warm up her lonely fingers.
Don't say a word, she doesn't need any. She just wants to feel, feel the moment.
She is not forgotten.
She is not alone.
She is she..
..but she wants more.

16.12.18

Harm me, not anymore

The lies you told me.
White lies, maybe?
They hurt me more than your imagination can comprehend. In this world, where every single person walk around pretending to be perfect, only lies come out of their mouths.
Lies, lies, lies.
I just wonder if it ever keeps them awake, like it keeps me. In a world where truth is scolded and hidden, I will always choose it even if it's ugly. Years go by on my own, and I learn that it's not the lies that make me beatiful in somebody's eyes. Only when I accept this as it is. It's the ugly truth.
Makes me feel safe.
Make this world prettier.
Why is it even considered ugly? Why can't i say what I feel, shouldn't we learn that we are allowed to feel real. Not just some lost souls, who shouldn't, who cant, who don't know why.
Ugly-pretty.
Truth.

02.12.18

In storm or sun

Between heaven and hell, in a place where most of us would get lost. There was her, the most delicate one this world has seen. Whenever you could hold her, it felt like she barely was there. She truly was somewhere between two worlds. So easy to hold her, so gently to be touched as if not to break her. Even standing just with her, not a step forward or back you want to make, just stay still. Though, you know she was different before, something made her this soft. And be thankful for that as for every single stroke she laid on your bruised skin, you healed with every day. Without a single word she told stories of places you have not seen. Say as you will, you could listen to them from early sunrise till the moment the moon rose. Without a single sound she would sing you a song to dance to. Say as you will, but without even knowing steps you were ready to dance.
And believe it or not, but you get to keep her. You get to hold her. Just not too strong, as if not to break her. With her you get to stand between heaven and hell.

24.11.18

Sometimes it feels like I have to hold the whole world in my arms. And it is heavy, way too heavy. 
Sometimes I want to be held in somebody's arms. So the world would feel lighter, way much lighter.

22.11.18

Hear me

It was way too late after dark. And this was just a place, where you wander in when you don't really know what you are searching for. Old creaky wooden floors, and dark red colored walls. Few tables around the corners, and a dim light, just enough to see where you are going, but not enough to see a strangers face. This is not a place you come to meet someone, unless that someone is yourself. Glass clinging, and quiet. 
After this dark hour,it was time. She emerged on the stage, to sing a song that was expectedly unexpected. That was the whole nature of this place. A voice fills the void created by quiet strangers in corners. Maybe one or two even lift a head to see her face.
 I walk up to nearest table to the stage. I would never dare, but tonight I had to escape. I don't need to see her face, I just want to listen to a voice that shouldn't be here, but it is, and it makes you wonder why. I don't need to see her face that she carries more beauty than we can see. For sure we can hear it. Her voice echoes off the cobbled walls and gets that old timey sound. 
It was just a single touch that woke me up. As I looked up I saw you, in a place we would never dare, but tonight we did. We became so almost fragile, but still not letting go completely. We don't have questions for our answers, at least not tonight. Right here. We came to look for someone, ourselves. 
We found us.

16.11.18

What I like

I scatter my own ashes onto the years old paint. The one kept in deepest part of cupboard. I'm ready to take out my somber brushes and add some color to my skin. I am not gonna try to rewrite my own scars, not gonna keep pretending of being someone that you wished I was. I'm untying my knots in my head that kept this insane ship afloat, scrapping stars across my heart. Maybe they will fight a way through for the light in there.

08.11.18

Story untold

What do you see?
What you see when you look at me?
What you see when you look into my eyes?
Do you see the sleepless nights I carry?
Do you see the love I could offer?
Maybe you hear a song in you mind that sounds just like me.
Maybe you have questions you cant ask out loud.
What do you see?
In my smile?
Do you see how I live only for today?
Do you see that I'm growing patiently?
Maybe you put a story together about me in your mind.
Maybe you just see.
Maybe you don't.

05.11.18

By the way

A smile, a look into your eyes. Ouh, I want that. Stroke through your hair, and passionate kiss. Ouh, I can't keep my mind away. Talk, and laugh and just silence with a sleepless night. Ouh, could we.
Shut my fear, dare to go for it. I'm used to rejection and rough words, but not this time. Ouh, please, just not this time.

30.10.18

Charlotte Eriksson

But I was young
and didn’t know better
and someone should have told me to capture every second
every kiss & every night
Because now I’m sitting here alone and it’s getting really hard to breath because tears are growing in my throat and they want to break out, but there are people
watching
and I just want to be somewhere silent
somewhere still
But still I don’t want to be alone because I’m scared and lonely
and I don’t understand
Because I was alone my whole life
My whole life
I was so damn lonely and I was content with that
because I liked myself and my own company 
and I didn’t need anyone
I thought
But then there was you .. ...

So, someone should have told me that love is for those few brave who can handle the unbearable emptiness,
the unbearable guilt and lack of oneself,
Because I lost myself to someone I love
and I might get myself back one day
but it will take time, it will take time.

This is gonna take some time.

I wish someone would have told me this.
Someone should have told me this.

29.10.18

When no longer..

Only these eyes can see in the dark. Where everything is still and quiet that even we fear to speak. But the shadows still play with rays of light that escaped from under, making it a little less scary. In the deepest dark, something beats in a slow unforgetable rhythm. What could it be? Coming from deepest darkest parts of this place. Up above, or down under, to the right, left? Sound that fills this void, but where is it coming from? 
Arms reach to get something from out of under. Hidden in the ashes, only these eyes could find. Oh, my heart. Would you accept it in this state that it is? All dark and burned out, but into ashes you can see some tiny parts of it beating, still pure, still alive and strugling. That is all I can offer, all the beautiful parts are gone.
Although, sometimes darkness can be the most beautiful thing in this world. So if even shadows can learn to dance with light, would you dare to take care of my heart?

21.10.18

I feel like a trapped cat in a box

I own nothing.
Everything just comes and goes.And when I can't anymore I come here for retreat.
I own nothing, but these words. 

I just need to hear you

With me you get what you get. I stay true to things that I believe in. 
Take it or leave it.
Hello :)
Hello *look away*
Hello *walk away*
I dare you, to try me, see who am I, what makes my fire keep burning in the darkness I drag with me.
Find out what stones and wires I am made off. What jewels you could make of me, what I could draw into you.
If you scare yourself away you might never know. And it is always better to try and know for sure, than to leave and wonder if this had any tommorow.
With me you get what you get.
Hello :) *deep, deep voice echoes in my mind*
Hello *look away, I'm scared*
Hello *can't wait to see you tommorow*

11.10.18

We are we going with this?

Are you there yet? Are you there yet? 
Stop asking please will you. One of the highest pleasures is not about destination, but the journey you make to get there. I want to enjoy every second, minute or hour that we do. Feel the tenderness and naive akwardness off all this. Every stroke, every small move we make. Simplicity, that makes everything so complicated. Every breath, and every arch, every part that touches one another. And we know we can't have this forever, not even for a single day. 
So why not make this second, minute or hour count? Stop with these useless questions, worries and apologies. It's not about our final destination. It's about how we choose to get there while enjoying this extraordinary pleasure.

25.09.18

Maybe we will be, just in another lifetime, or maybe...


When the song is over. We don't stop. We have our own music between us. You guide me your way. On dark cobbled street, just silent laterns guiding your way. A place we walked, not once or twice. Not parting apart.
Tell me things I don't hear at all. Whisper about something I did, did I? My heartbeat is way too loud.Is it slowing down, is time stopping? Slowly, a little suprised, bit kinda expected, you pin me to the cold aged wall. Through my skin I can count every brick, cold getting through to every single bone of mine. I can feel your warmth and soft arms on me. Was something cold touching me a moment before, or was it ages ago. And time suddenly has stopped. 
You and me, our eyes meet. Just like back in the day when we were forbiden, when we had just one look and knew we couldn't. I look so deep, but my heart is about to jump out of its place. Run away, jump up and down, drive away my own sanity. Slowly, ouh so slow, our lips get closer. I can feel you breathe, I can feel you FEEL. And just a little bit till our lips meet for the first time...

NO, NO, NO, this was not a dream I wanted to wake up from. I've always been curious what I feel for you. We are not forbiden anymore, just time drove us apart. What were we? Who was I to you? Who were you? All moments we shared, a passion moments here and there. But not meant to be, always we were busy with someone else in our lives. So all we had were these looks, and little strokes on our skins, and I keep some words that you laid on me. Just a simple look from you watching my back, is what I miss the most. Maybe if we would be. Maybe if we could be. Maybe we would've been something. Maybe nothing. 

These words don't come easy. I wrote, rewrote, read and deleted. Today for the first time I write to you. You deserved this a long time ago, even if we grew apart way too far, for way too long.

11.09.18

06.09.18

Come but Go


Soft
Softer
A little bit softer
One
Two
Three we step
Sail
Can't fail
Out of place it feels
Leave
A little
Memory for me
Find
It later
Hidden in depths of phone
Can't
Just can't
Erase this feeling yet

02.09.18

I make no sense, Nr2 to make me cry

Do I write for you, or for me?
Shake
Shake my head vigoruosly
Forget till I come to another world
Where the things that could have been become the ones that they are
But this is not a Funland
Impulsing up and down on a ferris wheel
Breaking down my own memory
Coming back to the same old spot
Shake
Shake
Shake

01.09.18

F*** me

So many words I can't put into words
I'm distorted into this so called reality
Passing images by my eyes, while im stuck
still
Unfinished puzzle ghosts left on the floor
Where the fuck is that last piece missing?
One, and two, and three stepping
Stepping all over me
No mercy in us, in the words I say
How about the letter I wrote to myself
When the fuck will it arrive?
You begged for mercy, I begged for more
But the closer we got, the further we strayed
Why the fuck can't stop destroying myself, and you tonight?

31.08.18

For someone treating you this way, there is no way back. No matter how hard it gets,or lonely. The bruises he left, no time in the world could  take back. And you god damn well know you won't be the only one left bruised. 
You are strong enough to get through this. Even if you have to do it on your own. Dear, forgiving is just the easy way for your mind, but never let him open your bruises up again.
 Do you really think that you deserve be treated this way? You are worth something, just because you are you. I know you since day one. 
You deserve better. 

The book, Am I, but who were you?


Blasting music louder 
Than I can take
No light, no movement
I wrap my arms around..
Dance with myself
Happiness is just the outer shell
Inside interior is just a broken chair
You can't steal
This one minute of my life
Here I was born to.. 
Wrap my arms
And dance with myself
Here I was torn to
Shreads and tears
I can keep..
Dancing with myself

17.08.18

Leave some light on

Am I a trouble you take?
Why don't you let go?

I pull you out in these dark streets, to twist and twirl. Loose my own way. And for an hour be young, wild and free. Yet every conversation you bring up takes me back.
Why don't you let go?
I won't be your guide in the dark. I'm the one to roll down the hill. Will pull you along, without a doubt. I'm the one to turn off all the lights, to make it even darker. Rush myself in the nearest wall, without a lighthouse to guide me, over and over again.
Why you keep running along with me?
Why you fall with me?

12.08.18

That night again

Best memories I have are within summer rain. People hide and run from it, but I always endure it.
Only in rain I can dance at 2am on an empty street with a stranger I just met, even if I won't meet him ever again.
Have adventures I never thought I will have, in deep woods or on busy city street.
Or I can stand in darkness, letting rain pour over me and wash away all hurt and anger.
I can talk to my muse, even if he wont speak back.
I can cry, and not feel ashamed that I failed again.
I love the summer rain, that is me being true to myself.
When are you true to yourself?

05.08.18

S H E. I'm too hazed

I let myself question the whole being of myself. Did I overthink the parts of my life, or maybe I was too busy to overlook who I am. Being in denial my whole life, and this feeling in me makes me wonder again. Could I act on it if the chance provides itself? And certainly I wish to speak to someone about this, but well I'm scared of being misunderstood.
Ouh, dear me, stop overthinking, that makes the whole situation even worse.

02.07.18

Hopefully by the time I die, these sinners fill up hell so much, that there wouldn't be left any place for me.

30.06.18

Tell me when its over

You saw tears watering up my eyes, I had to hide them from you. I turned around as a child hoping that you wouldn't notice. You asked if I'm alright, I said yes. You put your arm on my shoulder and with a concerned voice asked me am I really alright. I just didn't know what I was expected to say.
I could've said that I feel as empty as this room. How my own voice echoes in this room until I hate hearing myself speak. How my breaths seem too long to take and I just don't want to take them anymore. Every squeek and tiny sound in the middle of night keeps me awake, frightened that those hell hounds would come chasing me. Even if I knew it was all just in my head. I was just silently begging for help, but when I asked for it aloud everyone just brushed it off and said that's just how we all feel. I screamed inside my head. Help me! Help me!
I might as well keep crying. Everything is just in my head. Even you are just a plot of my imagination, that just keeps me less alone at moments like this. I know I won't get help, everyone will ignore me cause they have never thought much of me. And why would they waste even just a second of their precious time on me. I'll just keep filling this emptiness with my long breaths, and keep hating my own voice. One day I might as well just stop.

17.06.18

Keeping secrets

Talk to me.
What's on your mind, what makes me awake tonight?
Talk to me one more time, about future and lets forget the past of ours that held us back.
Before you roll away to the other side, I want to look deeper in your eyes to see that this is real.
Tell me.
What you want to be, I tell you who I am.
Tell me things only you know, repeat and tell me to forget, but I never will forget.
Before I let you go one more time, may your dreams be full with wonders, and I'll brush your naked skin with my words.
Be with me.
As if of tommorow won't we be anymore.
Be with me so simply, that the world go wild.
Do you?
Only make me feel excited for today, I feel you boiling me up, as the truth I can give you.
Do you feel how I feel for you, darling?

16.04.18

Say what you mean, noone will hear anyway

Fools and beggars
One after million, millions after one
Roaming this forgetfull realm
Gazing out to stars to heal
Easily it is to forget
The ones we let down

Messed up hair on her head
Easily it is to let her go

Even all stars have fallen
At the darkest days
Silently she stays a fool and a beggar
In this realm stuck forever
Lying to herself and others
You just have to forget easily

08.04.18

I never wrote to you before

I don't think I ever actually saw your eyes, to know how good or bad you were. Don't blame me though, I was too young, too naive. Rushing to live my life that I might have just forgotten to stop. Yet when I hear you asking for me, it always crosses my mind. In a world full of people who don't care, why is it that you care? Maybe I even hurt you a bit, maybe I feel sorry for that. Don't blame me though, I was too reckless, too scared. Rushing to live my life, that I might have forgotten that others might be living in it too. Maybe I would like a redo, maybe if times were different I would want to actually know who you really are. Don't blame me though, I've grown and I know, I made mistakes. Thats just a part of the lives that we live.

06.03.18

No escape from yourself

Noone will ever know who we really are. I mean true us. Naked in body and mind. It always just stays with us. For some - won't even know how to be naked for themselves. And if you dont know for yourself who you are, then who are you?

03.03.18


Let me down

I know I'm not easy to be.
Too active, too slow. Too hard, too simple. Too sensitive, too cold. Too smart, too stupid. Too friendly, too forgiving.
I know I've never been too easy.
Maybe been too much, too careless, too carefull, too interesting, too boring, too funny, too sad. Too much of anything.
Too much of myself. So stop saying that it's exactly what you want to see in me. Cause the synonym of easy is me.
I know I'm not easy. Neither are you or anyone else around. At least I admit to being. 

22.02.18

Hole

One on the floor
One under the couch
One thrown into garbage
One lost in the snow
One given to someone, but forgotten who
One taken, but can't be forgotten
One bleeding and aching
One in the next meal will be breaking
One seen on the screen
One hidden in forest
One hanging in closet
One - another piece of me will be falling
And lying here unable to move, and grasp me correctly
Waiting for this whole madness to pass
While life hits me so hard with words
Nobody cares

12.02.18

Courage

I wanna feel the strenghth
Be in control
Pin you down and scream
Be the one to say
STOP
I wanna feel the breath
Make your tears awake
Push you out of your control
Be the one to say
GO
I wanna dress up
Break up
Make sure you can't when I can
Be the one to say
LEAVE

09.02.18

Dance
Dance with me
Dare to face me
To turn around and grab my hand
Spin me in a dance that I lead
Pill here and there
A drink lost somewhere
Through our jibber jabber
Dare to face me
Move back to be a fear
To be a horror
Stay here and there
And become lost somewhere
Through all fucking and breaking
Dare to face me
Spin your pillow to the cold side
Under your blanket or above it
Say something here and there
Keep the last words for one day
Through tomorrow or today
Dare to face me at last

17.01.18

Fallen

Do we  really know what we want?
Not just something they tell us we should be.
Not just something  they keep feeding in to us of what we should be.
Not just the idea, but simple reality.
Do we really know what is real and fake?
Do we just pretend like we know for sure?
If we would just stop.
Stop.
Look around.
Decide.

12.01.18

Remember to forget

Push me right or left
It wont make me change
Push me to the front or back
I will still hold my stand
Let go of my hand and let me fall
The fall will not make me blunt
Pick me up if you must
Your wishes I cannot grant
You can turn to leave, or come back
My mind however has been made up

01.01.18

For million questions there are no answers

If for one day
Only one day
We all would speak truth
Truth of what we done
What we wish we would have done
Things that we would never dare to do
Truth of all dreams we hold
And nightmares that we try to turn away
All the reality we faced, but hid from others.
If for one day
Only one day
Reasons
Mistakes
All the love and hate
Would flow all over us as a waterfall.