Happy new year!

Pulkstenis skaita pēdējās minūtes šogad. Ar cerībām raugos nākamajā gadā, bet vēl nezinu ko pusnaktī ievēlēties.

Pagājušais gads ar sevi nesa apjukumu un haosu. Negaidīti dzīves pavērsieni, smiekli un vienlaikus asaras.

Es satiku cilvēkus, kuri vienmēr paliks man atmiņā, un satiku tādus, kurus es aizmirsīšu pavisam drīz.

 

Esmu bijusi tur, kur es vēlos atgriezties, un vienlaikus arī nekad tur vairs neatgriezties. 

 

 

Esmu pazaudējusi un atradusi, salauzusi un salabojusi. 

Neskatoties uz kļūdām un vājības mirkļiem, iepriekšējā gada vēlmju saraksts šogad izpildīts. 

Nākamajam gadam novēlu daudzus prieka mirkļus un lai piepildās pašas slēptākās vēlmes!

 

today is special

Today you're the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again.

take more time

Every autumn I listen to whispers of tree leaves. Every autumn they get more silent than a year before, but their stories tell about everyone they meet. This year I pass them on early mornings. Each morning they look at me, they know. A part of me has moved on, a part of me has found someone else. I look again deep inside my feelings, I start to sparkle. Now and then I even forget how I got this far. They never judge, everything I am today is the best part of me. They know that tomorrow it will be even better than today. Every autumn...no, this autumn they'll talk about me.

just one day

Vai atceries smieklus, kas mūs vienoja? Vai atceries mūsu kaislīgos skatienus? 

Kādas spēles gan dzīve ar mums spēlē? Vai asaras un skumjas tā vien redzēt vēlas?

Tu ienesi manī nelielu dzīvesprieka devu, tu parādīji man brīnumus no nekā. Tavā klātbūtnē nogurums nebija nekas, un smiekli bija skaļāki par visu. Tas bija tikai viens neliels mirklis, mirklis kurā likās, ka esam filmu varoņi un visa pasaule mūs vēro.

Vai atceries kā mēs bēgām no lietus? Vai atceries kā ik mirkli kad tikāmies laiks paskrēja pārāk ātri?

Kāpēc gan laiks bija tik ātrs un tagad tas ir apstājies? Vai sāpēm vairāk pienākas kā priekam?

Klusumā vienīgā skaņa bija mūsu sirdspuksti - tie stāstīja neticamus stāstus par to, kas nekad nebūs. Es meklēju kādu skaidrojumu, kādu kārtību. Meklēju ceļu atpakaļ, cerību, ka šis ir tikai sapnis pirms rītdienas. Tomēr, jo ilgāks laiks paiet, es saprotu, ka tu biji dārgākais brīnums, kuru es nekad nespēšu atgūt.

 

 

make me feel good

Mirror, mirror on the wall

I never thought I would live this far

I made some simple things

But every early spring

You did cut my wings

Mirror, mirror on the wall

You tried to take me all

I made some simple dreams

But every early spring

You made my mind empty as TV screen

Mirror, mirror on the wall

This is your last call

I ask for some simple healing

I will find you next spring

Till then I'll be waiting

I hate to admit this but I need someone

There are things I wish I could say out loud, but there's not a person in this world I could trust to.

There are tears that I wish to cry out, but there's not a shoulder in this world I could lean on.

There's just one hug I need, but there are no arms who would rush to hug me.

it reminds me of something I forgot

Somebody supposed a thing

That none of us would think

The hopes we denied

Desires we hid

We have to say we are fine

We're not ready to cross the line

Awkward smile and look your way

I try to change it every day

Somebody asks why not?

I reply - It's too late

This choice none of us could make 

magico

Kizomba - a music that catches your ear and a dance that catches your soul.

Kizomba is all about “connecting people”.

Being born in a continent with a effervescent musical history, kizomba is a result of an evolution: young generations, listening to traditional music like semba, felt something was missing - a modern and sensual touch. Adding an electronic percussion with a slow and extremely sensual rhythm… kizomba was born. 

running away in dreams

Empty days

In an empty house

The dreams are lost

And the good days gone

Memories are here

But they can't make it real

Nightmares are my future ghosts

No matter how I beg to stop

They take from me the most

Only thing they leave for me

Is this empty house

Paradise

going back to who I used to be

Laiks ies. Daži aizmirsīs, bet citi pat neuzzinās. Es atcerēšos, es zināšu.

Laiks ies. Daži cerēs, bet daži nekad vairs neticēs. Es tev vienmēr noticēšu, es vienmēr cerēšu.

Laiks ies. Daži dzīvos, bet daži nekad nemēģinās. Es tev parādīšu kā izdzīvot, tik atļaujies pamēģināt..

Laiks ies. Daži cīnīsies, bet daži vienmēr izvairīsies. Es turpināšu cīnīties, pat ja tu no manis vairīsies.

Laiks ies. Daži sapratīs, ka laiks nav notverams, bet būs daži, kas to vēl turpinās ķert. Es slēpšu laiku no tevis, tad tas tev būs bezgalīgs.

Laiks ies. Es pazudīšu laikā, bet es vienmēr galu galā atradīšos. Es meklēšu arī tevi, kaut arī tu savā bezgalīgajā laikā būsi mani piemirsis.

Laiks ies. Tu aizmirsīsi, tu neuzzināsi. Es zināšu, es atcerēšos - tad kad tev vajadzēs es arī noticēšu.  

empty

Paņemiet mani, es lūdzu

Tik dariet to klusu, bez sāpem.

Paņemiet salauzto sirdi

Tik dariet to klusu, bez sāpēm.

Paņemiet dvēseli manu

Tik dariet to klusu, bez sāpēm.

Paņemiet sagruvušos sapņus

Tik paņemiet klusu.

Un neatgādiniet.

Paņemiet pēdējo cerību

Tik paņemiet klusu.

Un neatgādiniet.

Paņemiet visu.

Visu, kas vēl palicis pāri.

Atstājiet mani klusu, bez sāpēm.

Un neatgādiniet.

world never stops

it will make me free somehow

There were lies and only few truths. I can't say I was surprised, that's just the way I was. It leads everybody to silent hating. Cross looks my way, words that would try to hurt me. Yet I learned how to loose these words without hearing them. That is a day when my heart becomes hard as stone and instead of tears you see me laughing. And if I'm not missing anything you'll be the one who one day will regret the lies you told. Maybe by that day I will be free from hate and anger that  you created within me.

I try to hide,but you always find me

You were a part of my soul, maybe you still are. We played in two different teams, we played till the first sunlights. You burned my passions, you pushed me over my limits. I'm not sure if tommorow I'll meet you, or maybe today. But just a simple tought of you makes me smile, and every story of us is full of joy. It makes me happy that you miss me, I miss you too. I miss your gentle touch, your sweet lips, and those eyes.  You gave me one of the best times of my life, you made me feel safe. We left each other halfway, we left wondering. Could it be all?

sometimes it hurts instead

Sometimes we have to make hard choices. But mainly we need to make them because of someone. Usually it is because we love someone so much that we would do everything to make them happy. I came back cause I tried to save myself. Only now I realize that with saving myself, I turned some other lifes around. I’m the mistake in their lifes, now I know I have to leave. I have nowhere to go, no idea of how to get away. I’m doing that so they wouldn’t have to fight and cry, I’m the one who brings these things. I can choose to break my heart, but mostly my heart is breaking when I see their tears. I never lived for myself, but they don’t know that. Their lifes and smiles are more important than I am. I will leave, thats the only way to save them from misery.

Even smile hurts today, My eyes are open. Finally I can see my place in this world. I have no place called home, and the closest place to home is the one I have to leave. I can’t stay here. Cause it hurts too much.

it's just a sound, but it's aloud

The angels cry

Cause they cannot die

The angels cry

Cause they cannot lie

I can hear them cry

I know they struggle to survive

The angels cry

Cause they are shy

The angels cry

Cause they cannot fly

But I know they try

To keep me alive

The angels cry

Cause life is passing by

The angels cry

Cause they didn't say goodbye

I cannot give them a retry

So I sing them a lullaby

should I leave it or should I struggle

I wrap my arms around you

But only in my dream

It hasn't been a day or two

Your hold is what I feel

There are no deadlines

If music could get into my bones

I would dance with you

Till I loose the ground under my feet

Or till the lights are off

Don't tell me I'm too sweet

Just don't want to miss out on you

I wake up from a knock on my door

It's a hard struggle

C'mon I can't wait for a day

When not only in my dreams

I can wrap my arms around you

If that's ok, I don't mind

Sometimes I think I don't think at all.

How come I have made so many mistakes, still I haven't learnt anything from them. How come I don't even know myself, how come I can change my mind million times a day. How come I can make up a thousand lies about me, but I don't know even a single truth about me. Everyone who tried to understand me but failed - they said that I'm going nowhere. So these pointless words repeat themselves in my head over and over again like some broken record. I turn music louder and louder to cover the truth. But if I close my eyes I still can see their faces full of disappointment. Then I go out and run, still I know I can't run away. I'm spining till I'm getting dizzy. How can I find the right answers, how come I don't even have right questions. But now it doesn't matter - cause I know sooner or later my time will come.

How come I am who I am?

silent dreams

Un es zinu, ka mēs atkal klusējam
Patiesību vairs neatklājam

Pagājušajā pilnmēness naktī

Mēs nokritušās zvaigznes meklējām

Šoreiz mēs skatīsimies kā ievas zied

Pat, ja ziemeļu vēji mūs projām dzīs

Gaisā vēl jūtams saspringums

Ko mēs vēl gaidām?

Vārdus, kas mums pastāstīs?

Vai kādu, kas pasakā mūs ievīs?

Mēs gaidām vēlos sapņus

Un klusi ceram kaut tie piepildās

 

it just wouldn't be me anymore

The devil tears

They burned my eyes

I put on another patch

Feel there's something I neeed to catch

The truth that lies behind

Is nowhere to be found

Year after year

On a new years eve

At midnight I burn my idol

While lights of burning soul

With old silly fool

Take my old violin

With tender sound they sing

It's time to join in

way too far to go

If your head stucks in a cloud

Don't shout all around

If you come here and there

Don't tell you don't care

When you're left all alone

Then pick up your phone

You can swallow your pride

And find that your kind

You're not on your own

Don't you dare let me down

Can you tell when it's wrong?

Can you keep it strong?

If only for one more day

You keep it yourself

no use of fighting anymore



waiting seems too long

Someone like you

I shouldn't miss so much

But I do

It doesn't make no sence as such

Once or twice is not enough

It's early in the morning

Every step is too rough

I'm the one who's leaving

Someone like me

You cannot forget

You want me to see

In another set

We cannot play one more game

That's such a shame

:)



I reach and touch the sky

As you took me up in the sky

I know I never felt so alive

You took me of the ground

Without any sound

They said my dreams were wrong

But I always kept strong

Now look who's in the sky

Who has learnt how to fly

Soon I'll be back on the ground

But I'm not willing to turn around

You told me not to be scared

Thank you that you dared

To me take there

Where I've never been before

Happy Bday!!!

Es atkal kļūstu par gadu vecāka. Iesākums dienai bija lielisks - pēc pusnakts es dabūju savu dzimšanas dienas deju, kuru man kā par pārsteigumu sagādāja māsa. Pagājušo gadu ar mani to deju nodejoja pieci puiši, bet šogad bija tik daudz, ka es pat nepaspēju saskaitīt. Tāds neliels prieciņš, un man tādas aizdomas, ka šī ir viena no manām foršākajām dzimšanas dienām.

Vēl vēlējos atklāt nelielu jaunumu - šovasar braukšu kā aupair uz UK. Tāpēc liela iespējamība, ka šeit rakstīšu vēl retāk nekā pašlaik.

Un tagad man vēl jāatmet viens no saviem sliktajiem paradumiem, jo izrādās ka visiem nav vienalga.

Even the best fall down sometimes

First impression comes only once, but it doesn't mean that it will stay the same. It can be changed.

It seemed so simple, and suddenly it became so hard. Your perfect smile came out of nowhere, it completely took my mind. But I feel that it is a little too late.

simple not always mean simple

"Spogulīt, spogulīt, saki man tā, kapēc šovakar klusē tu?"

Ir nedaudz par vēlu, lai jautātu, par vēlu, lai atbildētu.

Varbūt vēl nav par vēlu, salasīt spoguļa lauskas. Pirmām kārtām man nemaz nevajadzēja saplēst to. Tas tikai rādīja patiesību, to kuru pašlaik es cenšos atrast. Tas rādīja patiesību, kurai es nevēlējos ticēt, bet es noticētu tagad. Skaidri zinu, ka nespēšu to salikt kopā tādu kā tas bija, bet es varu censties. Ceru, ka tad tas atkal man stāstīs patiesus stāstus par mani. Es zinu, ka salīmēšu spoguļa lauskas, varbūt ne šodien, varbūt ne rīt, bet kādu dienu, kad man to visvairāk vajadzēs.

"Spogulīt, spogulīt, saki man tā, kad būs tā īstā diena?"

I hope you don't mind

Our questions seem so wrong

I don't want us to fall apart

We had our crushed dreams

But together we made them real

Simple happiness were brought into our lifes

Suddenly it all became lies

This city have no place for us

You tried to remove this fuss

I know it won't help

All we can hope for is to be held

Until we build our own shield

Then in the morning we let go

Say a simple goodbye

Viss ko es stāstu...

Klusumam vairs nav nozīmes, to ir aizstājusi mūzika. Dienasgaisma iespīd pa nelielo vēdlodziņu. Tumsai vairs nav nozīmes to ir aizstājusi saule. Vēl ir šie bezjēdzīgi, murgainie sapņi. Es varētu jums bezmaksas tos atdot, lai tikai man būtu naktsmiers. Un vecais dzegužpulkstenis, kuru jau sen vajadzēja izmest vai pat sadauzīt. Rotaļu lācis, kas gaida, kad atkal paņemšu to rokās, bet es vairs neesmu mazs bērns, šoreiz neesmu. Svešas smaržas manā mīļākajā kleitā, vairs nešķiet, ka tā ir mana, tomēr tā glabā sevī to vienu vakaru. Pazudusī čība jau nedēļu zem gultas snauduļo. Pustukša vai puspilna medus burka uz galda, tikai nesakiet to Pūkam. Tējas krūze ar atdzisušu tēju bez cukura man acu priekšā uz nekārtīgā galda stāv. Atvērtais skapis un vientuļā kurpe pie tā. Vārdi, kuros nekad nav patiesības, tikai balti meli. 

Ja to visu pazaudētu , nekā vairs nebūtu. Nebūtu nekā, kas pateiktu, ka es šeit biju. Nebūtu nekā, kas pateiktu, kas es esmu.

something is wrong or everything is right

I close my eyes now and then

I wear some fashioned heels

Want to know how it feels

I made a wish like that

But this time I can't

You make me move my feet

I have to say yes

As you walk in my dreams

So proudly like you own them

I'm not sure I want to go that far

Don't want to shut down another star

My brain is playing games with me

I don't even want to know how

Want to open my eyes as a cure

Loose the picture of you

try to fix me

Vēl tikai mazliet

Ļaujiet man paspēlēties ar savu dzīvi. Es nedomāju ar to riskēt, spēlētoties ar nāvi. Es vēlos izvēlēties pa kuru ceļu iet. Pat ja man dzīve piedāvā šo jauko lielceļu, līdzeno, viegli pārvaramo, es iešu pa mazo taciņu, ar bedrēm, nezālēm un neskaitāmiem līkumiem. Es tikai nedaudz vēlos visu sarežģīt. Vēlos noiet to ceļu, kuram visapkārt skaistāki skati, kaut arī pats gājiens būs smags, pat ja savas kājas savainošu. Lielceļš - tas ir akmens, baltas līnijas, mājas ceļa malā - tā nav pasaule, ko vēlos redzēt, manās acīs tam nozīmes nav. Ļaujiet man iet pa taciņu - pa ceļam baltus ziedus saplūkt, redzēt taureņus dejojot, nogaršot kādu ābolu no vientuļās ābeles. Man nevajag to vienkāršāko, nevajag to ko citi jau izmēģinājuši. Man vajag to interesantāko, to kas man ko jaunu iemācīs, pat ja šis ceļš nav tas ko citi ietu, pat ja tas ir pārāk bīstams. Pat ja es apmaldīšos, ļaujiet - mums visiem jāatrod savs īpašais ceļš mājup. Es nebaidos ne no vilkiem, kas mani klusi vēros, ne no pērkona negaisa, kas pār mani krusu gāzīs. Neieslodziet mani šajā ziepju burbulī. Atstājiet manī vēl nedaudz šī prieka, šo skaisto un vienlaikus bīstamo, jo manās acīs tas ir visdārgākais.

book

Tikai grāmata ir delikāta. Izņēmi no plaukta. Pašķirstīji. Noliki. Tajā nav bezkaunības. Tā neiebrāžas tevī iekšā... Stāv uz plauktiņa, klusē, gaida, kad to paņems siltajās rokās. Tad tā atklāsies. Ja vien ar cilvēkiem tā būtu. Daudz mēs esam. Visus nepašķirstīsi. Pat vienu ne. Pat savējo. Pat sevi.

(copy_paste)

strange thing happened

I'm staring into nowhere

Hoping to see you somewhere

One day hopefully

But till then I'm waiting peacefully

If  I will meet someone

I will count him as noone

Tell me why

You are so shy

The time is passing by

I can't even get a simple goodbye

Don't  know if you're sorry

But I don't want to write another story

I can play until you loose

You stole everything I had

You took my good dreams

Do you know what it leaves?

You took away my inspirations

Left me full with passions

I had crazy nightmares

But you just stood and stared

My laughter got louder

Still I couldn't get closer

I had to share a part

So things that I gave

Don't leave no shock wave

You don't worry at all

I'm not broken, not building another wall

Cause you helped me to find my own way

Why can't I?

I held a water

But it slipped away

No matter what I drew

It couldn't stay

If every moment from now

I can make a perfect show

Could you believe?

That I have a little relieve

If I can't forget

How I lost my target

How it all just slipped through my fingers

Why did we played silly buggers?

Waiting till dark

Will water take away this mark?

I'ts only a part of way

I started a new song

But only now I have the melody

The passion is gone

Glassy eyes

Wearing black gloves

This time I have no way back

No other STOP signs

I'm not a queen

So you can laugh as much as you want

As much as you need

But deep inside you know

I have chosen the right way

I have started right song

I have a real melody

Take a chance and hope for the best

Don't you give up on me

Flowers bloom once a year

And we know they'll bloom next year

Maybe I'm lost now

But if you count till three

I'll be there even if you close your eyes

One

I hear the way you call me

Two

I'm on my way back to you

Three

I'm right here and you can count on me

feel good when:

1. Laughing so hard you don’t even make any noise.
2. Hear songs that bring you back to great moments in your life.
3. Have those random good-hair days when you just feel beautiful or handsome
4. Correctly guessing an old password on a website you haven’t visited in awhile.
5. That instant when the thing you didn’t understand suddenly makes complete sense.
6. Waking up, realizing it’s the weekend, and curling up for another thirty minutes of sleep.
7. Sitting outside during a thunderstorm. The sound of the thunder, the flash of lightning and the smell of rain to remind you of the beauty of nature.
8. When you’re hot under your bed covers and you stick one leg out from under the covers to cool off.
9. Popping bubble wrap.
10. Wind blowing through your hair.
11. Randomly catching a glimpse of your reflection in a window or mirror and liking what you see.
12. Seeing the person who makes your heart race, even if it’s just for a few seconds in the hallway.
13. Hearing a new song you really like and then downloading it and listening to it over and over and over.
14. A certain smell that instantly takes you back to another place or time in your life.
15. Being able to tell someone some genuine good news.
16. The good pain of stretching your legs after sitting down for a long time.
17. When someone scratches an itch on your back for you.
18. When your dog or cat follows you all over the house.
19. When you accidentally say something that rhymes.
20. People who make you smile just by thinking of them.
21. The exciting feeling you get when you’re getting off the plane in a city you’ve never been to before.
22. Receiving a surprise hug from behind by someone you were looking forward to seeing.
23. The feeling of a fresh mouth after you brush your teeth.
24. Being on the beach at night.
25. Waking up early and going someplace, like the beach or a park, and being the only one there.
26. Hearing a song that seems to be written about exactly what’s going on in your life right now.
27. When you make eye contact with a friend from across the room and you both automatically smile.
28.  The “butterflies in your stomach” feeling of a new romantic relationship.
29. Waking up from a weird dream and remembering every last detail.
30. When your jaws and cheeks ache from too much laughing.
31. Singing and dancing around the house with music blaring when no one is home.
32. The cold side of the pillow on a warm summer night.
33. Singing every word to your favorite song at the top of your lungs.
34. Finally being able to pee after you were forced to hold it for a while.
35. Those days where you’re completely free to do whatever you want without worrying about school or work.
36. The hilarity of an inside joke. You’ll never get it unless you were there at its inception.
37. Seeing a shooting star.
38. When you’ve found or made the perfect gift for someone and you just can’t wait to give it to them.
39. When you’re really upset and someone makes you smile.
40. A first kiss. The sweet rush of butterflies in your tummy when you kiss someone special for the very first time.
41. Returning to the exact same warm spot in your bed after you get up to pee in the middle of the night.
42. Walking barefoot through soft grass.
43. When you find out the name of a song you’ve been wanting to know forever.
44.  Glancing at the person you really like only to catch them looking at you too.
45.  Getting something cool (and unexpected) for free.
46. The moment when you crawl into bed after a long, tiring day.
47. Finding money in a pair of jeans you haven’t worn in a while.
48. Grabbing your phone to text someone and seeing that they have already texted you.
49. Jumping from the jacuzzi to the pool and back to the jacuzzi again.
50. Listening to the birds chirp outside as the sun rises into the sky on a sunny Sunday morning.
51. Waiting until nobody is home and then blaring your favorite tunes and dancing all over the place.
52. This scenario: “Where’s my phone?” “I’ll call it!” “It’s on vibrate!!!!” “Everyone SHHHHHHHH!!!” “I hear it!” “Found it!”
53.  When someone special brushes their fingers through your hair.
54. Throwing food up in the air and catching it in your mouth.
55. Shouting out random numbers when someone is counting.
56. Great sex.
57. Making a wish and then having it come true.
58. Feeling like you truly belong somewhere. Like you don’t have to pretend to be anyone you’re not. Like you can just be yourself and you know that everyone around you will accept you for it.
59. Picking up something small off the floor with your toes.
60. Learning a new skill all by yourself.

Neliela izlase no 365 lietām kuras rada prieku!  :)

melody in my dreams

Do you hear me what I say?

Just never let me go

These words will never change

But we won't stay the same

There's a melody in my head

I cannot sing out loud

I never knew I'll be myself

And feel this way again

But you're the one who made me

Write me something new

save it for someone else

Have you ever felt the way I feel?

Have you ever imagined yourself at my place?

Have you ever heard the words you say to me?

Have you ever tried to tell the truth?

Have you ever seen my tears?

Have you ever considered that things that you do might hurt me?

I might seem strong, painless and harsh. But we all have our weak points, don't we?

Even if I don't cry every time you hurt me, once in a while it all comes out and then it slowly kills me.

You don't have an idea, do you?

Don't waste your time on me

I saw a crazy dream

Now I feel so lost

I move through maze of streets

I act like insane

But don't feel shame

Then I wake up

I don't know anymore

Where have I stuck?

Why do I play this game?

Was it a dream or my reality?

They ask too much from me

They need smart answers 

But all I have are silly questions

I don't ask a damn from you all

I never did

Don't you waste your time on me

Don't judge me for mistakes I make

For some of you these are dreams

For me it's a new reality

no second chances

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You’ll have your heart broken and you’ll break others’ hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you’ll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you’ve never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone’s hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don’t be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

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he said he would never leave

Atmiņu uzplaiksnījumi, nelieli smaržu un domu pavedieni, fragmenti, kas parādās un atkal pazūd. Atceros sava tēva skūšanās krēma aromātu, cik man tas likās īpašs. Atceros savus draugus ar kuriem veicu nedarbus, kāpu kokos un lauzu visu ko varēju salauzt, cik jautri tas likās. Atceros bērnības mīļāko lācīti, es nekad to neizlaidu no rokām, nekad nepametu vienu, - tas bija mans labākais draugs. Atceros savu pirmo suni, kurš pēc mammas stāstītā esot bijis ļoti nikns, bet man nekad pāri nedarīja. Parasti pēc nedarbu veikšanas devos slēpties pie viņa, jo tas bija mans pirmais sargātājs. Atceros savus smieklus - tie bija tik patiesi, skaisti un skaļi, tie piešķīra man īpašu, vieglprātīgu raksturu. Es atceros bērnību, kurā ik katrs mans solis likās brīnuma un prieka pilns, kur itin viss likās kā jauns atklājums. Bet laiki sāka mainīties. Ar laiku viss pamazām pazūd, atmiņas, tēli, smaržas, ir palikuši vien neskaidri domu mākoņi, kuri dod ieskatu tikai nelielā pagātnes daļā. Ar laiku ģimenes izjūk un vienīgais, kam tu vari uzticēties esi tu pats, draugi mainās un pazūd, rotaļlietas klusi sēž plauktā zem putekļu kārtas, mājdzīvnieki nomirst un to vietā nāk citi. Un smiekli nekad vairs nebūs tādi kādi tie bija. Tie nekad vairs nebūs tik patiesi, tie nekad vairs neizrādīs manu vieglprātīgo raksturu. Smiekli mani vairs nesilda un tie nešķiet tik aizraujoši, nekas vairs arī neliekas smieklu vērts. Tikai klusi uzsmaidu, aizmirstot par savu bērnišķīgo prieku, kas vēl aizvien manī snauduļo, un varbūt reiz modīsies. Šīs atmiņas tikai atgādina to kā man pietrūkst visvairāk - es, ne jau neīstā, bet tā īstā es, kas smējās, kas sapņoja, kas zināja, ka vienmēr viss ir labi. Kā gribētos atkal kā bērnībā apsēsties uz grīdas, paņemt rokās savu rotaļu lācīti un, spēlējoties ar to, dungot dziesmiņu par lāci, kas devās uz mežu, zinot, ka ir kāds, kas tevi sargā.

Laughing makes you live longer

Noskaties līdz beigām!!!

feeling in my mind

Kailums, klusums, tuksnesis. Kur gan viss ir palicis? Kur tas viss ir pazudis? Ne ūdens lāse, ne dzīvības stara. Smilšu putekļi, karsta saule svelmē. Ne paša mazākā mākonīša. Reiz tā bija pludmale, bet tagad. Kas ir palicis tagad. Vientulība plaisas, tuksnesis. Kur es eju? Tam nav ne gala, ne malas. Pat maitas putni mani pametuši vienu. Es pat priecātos par plēsoņu kādu, bet, nē, šeit nekā nav. Tukšums, klusums, tuksnesis. Viss ko spēju ir aizvērt acis. Lēni noslīgstu smiltīs. Bez bailēm, bez sāpēm, tikai no noguruma. Nogurusi meklēt to kas pazudis. Guļu svelmainā saulē. Vienaldzība, slāpes, tuksnesis. Es lēnām cenšos sakopot domas, saprast ko daru. Es nenožēloju neko. Viss ko esmu atstājusi vakardienā, bija tā vērts manai rītdienai. Tuksnesis, kluss, pat nedaudz skumjš. Iezogas pirmā vēja plūsma, beidzot. Tā vieglāk. Tā tuksnesis lēnām pārvērtīsies par oāzi. Plaisas sadzīs, klusums pazudīs. Tuksnesis atdzīvosies.

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Tas ir viegli – būt nepieejamam. Atliek vien novērsties no citiem – un vairs nebūs jācieš. Mēs vairs nepakļausim sevi mīlestības, vilšanās un sabrukušu sapņu riskam. Tas ir viegli – būt nepieejamam. Mums vairs nebūs jāuztraucas, ka esam aizmirsuši kādam piezvanīt, mums vairs nebūs jādomā par cilvēkiem, kas mums lūdz palīdzību un mierinājumu. Tas ir viegli – būt nepieejamam. Atliek vien izlikties, ka dzīvojam ziloņkaula tornī, un mēs vairs nekad nenobirdināsim ne asaru. Atliek vien nodzīvot dzīvi, droši spēlējot savu lomu. Tas ir viegli – būt nepieejamam. Atliek vien palaist vējā visu, kas dzīvē ir labs.

 

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