Late night cravings

 I crave for a taste of you 

On a tip of my tongue

To go a little bit rogue

Lips pressed against your skin

Make your breath take a skip

My hands interwined with yours

Take your body on wild tours

I must be brave

You are the one I crave

Nothing to fear

It is not the fear that I fear. It is the hope I get to have again. Nothing worse than getting hopes up for a thousand times all over again, only to end up in the same empty places.
I have millions of fears in me, and I step over them every day. Yet the hope is the only one that gets me in the hardest ways.. 

Never did

I liked their voice

The noise 

The space 

They take

Until I did not

I liked myself

Silence

Whispers

Until I did not

I became a wild card

In a game

I was not sure I knew

How to play properly

I liked the mystery

The unknown

The adventure

Until I did not

I liked their touch

Smell

And the way they looked at me

Until I did not

I became a lone soul

Wandering

Not quite here or there

I guess

I liked it that way

Do you ever?

She is a dream I long to have.

Pinned against the wall tightly, whisper in her ears. Do you want me now?

Brush my lips down her sweet skin, my fingers twine down all her soft curves. Say her name, quietly. Do you want me now?

Steady breaths, slow down, do not let her burst just yet. She is to be consumed without a rush. Do you want me now?

And just as she knows she wants you the most...

Let her tremble.

Let her scream.

Let her go free.

Let her forget her own name.

Do you want me now?

Maybe, one day, soon, wait

I am made out of thousand pieces of all the broken times.
All the lone diners.
All the quiet times.
All the times I had something to say, but noone to hear.
All the kisses that I have wished for.
All the blank stares in darkness.
All the days when world tried to collapse on my shoulders, but I had to hold it steady still.
All the days when I had forgoten what it feels to be in an embrace warm.
All the times I have searched for other eyes to meet mine, only to feel invisible.
All the broken things that I have stitched together with tape and glue, just to give it a little bit more time.
All the nights when I have danced on my own.
All the wishes wished, that I knew would go on wasted.
All the times when the only voice in the room has been my own.
All the healing I had to find on my own.
All the times when I was ready to leave and never come back.
All the days I needed to share these burdens with someone, only to be told they do not have the mental space for me.
All the times I tried to tell myself that soon...soon..so soon everything will turn around.
All the days when I had lost the last of hope.
All the times I have felt wortless.
Just a thousand little broken things, stitched together with sticky tears and fears.
Just giving it a little bit more time..just..a little bit more time.
But what if there is not that much time left? What if this is the only way I will ever get to experience my life? Would that even be the scariest things of all, if everything I used to fear, has already taken over my life. So all I can do is stare in darkness silently and feel like I am right where others are not meant to be amidst the thousand broken things - that is me.

Hopeless

Sometimes I feel guilty that I also want all these beautiful feelings. Stolen looks, nervous laughs, inside jokes. Touches, hugs and kisses.

Life has made me feel as if I will never be good enough for anything good. That I should lower my expectations and bare with bear minimum. And is that my fault? That I was only a human. Human born in ugly body, with a mind that wants all the beautiful feelings. So I resist. I say I cannot have this, so I do not even try. I do not even keep hope...and if the last bit of hope is gone? What else there is left to live for? Only for fleeting dreams that will stay out of my reach.

Hold her before she is gone

My dear, you are not alone, even when you are all on your own. When you will need your hand to be held, when you will need a healing hug - there will always be that one person that is the strongest one you know. 

That person is you. 

You are the only one that I know who even after all these years refuse to fade away into the pain. Do not lose the hope. Even when noone around you can  understand this. It just means they have never been there, and you are here still every day.

Just keep pushing through, hold yourself strong. My dear, you are never alone, as long as you have yourself.

If I keep asking

 Lean in for a nervously sweet kiss, trembling with intertwining in a touch with those soft fingers. Brush through the hair softly. Deep stare into those eyes, so beautiful I will not be able to get them out of my mind. And a question that resonates all through my body - are you ready? 

I think I am ready indeed...

I was and will