Maybe, one day, soon, wait

I am made out of thousand pieces of all the broken times.
All the lone diners.
All the quiet times.
All the times I had something to say, but noone to hear.
All the kisses that I have wished for.
All the blank stares in darkness.
All the days when world tried to collapse on my shoulders, but I had to hold it steady still.
All the days when I had forgoten what it feels to be in an embrace warm.
All the times I have searched for other eyes to meet mine, only to feel invisible.
All the broken things that I have stitched together with tape and glue, just to give it a little bit more time.
All the nights when I have danced on my own.
All the wishes wished, that I knew would go on wasted.
All the times when the only voice in the room has been my own.
All the healing I had to find on my own.
All the times when I was ready to leave and never come back.
All the days I needed to share these burdens with someone, only to be told they do not have the mental space for me.
All the times I tried to tell myself that soon...soon..so soon everything will turn around.
All the days when I had lost the last of hope.
All the times I have felt wortless.
Just a thousand little broken things, stitched together with sticky tears and fears.
Just giving it a little bit more time..just..a little bit more time.
But what if there is not that much time left? What if this is the only way I will ever get to experience my life? Would that even be the scariest things of all, if everything I used to fear, has already taken over my life. So all I can do is stare in darkness silently and feel like I am right where others are not meant to be amidst the thousand broken things - that is me.

Hopeless

Sometimes I feel guilty that I also want all these beautiful feelings. Stolen looks, nervous laughs, inside jokes. Touches, hugs and kisses.

Life has made me feel as if I will never be good enough for anything good. That I should lower my expectations and bare with bear minimum. And is that my fault? That I was only a human. Human born in ugly body, with a mind that wants all the beautiful feelings. So I resist. I say I cannot have this, so I do not even try. I do not even keep hope...and if the last bit of hope is gone? What else there is left to live for? Only for fleeting dreams that will stay out of my reach.

Hold her before she is gone

My dear, you are not alone, even when you are all on your own. When you will need your hand to be held, when you will need a healing hug - there will always be that one person that is the strongest one you know. 

That person is you. 

You are the only one that I know who even after all these years refuse to fade away into the pain. Do not lose the hope. Even when noone around you can  understand this. It just means they have never been there, and you are here still every day.

Just keep pushing through, hold yourself strong. My dear, you are never alone, as long as you have yourself.

If I keep asking

 Lean in for a nervously sweet kiss, trembling with intertwining in a touch with those soft fingers. Brush through the hair softly. Deep stare into those eyes, so beautiful I will not be able to get them out of my mind. And a question that resonates all through my body - are you ready? 

I think I am ready indeed...

I was and will

 

 

Flooded

 She was a story you could not tell. She was a secret you would not spill.

All you wanted was to feel her warm skin bend under your soft touch. Taste her lips, would they be sweet? Whisper in her ears all the wonderful thoughts you have about her. Lay next to her, gaze into those eyes and forget the lonely nights even ever existed. Whole body thumps to the thought of kissing and touching her. And it fazes a flooded mind with thoughts of her, that you can not stop it even for a moment.

And just for a moment one admit to yourself the truth. 

Fight

 I let the darkness swallow me whole

I lay my broken skin on those empty streets

Try to feel at least something

One day last ray of hope was gone

I was left all on my own

With nothing to feel at all

And if I may

I might even become none

Lately

 

Empty echoes

 As I turned 

I could see

Nothing

There was nothing to the right

Nothing to the left

Nothing all around

Even I have managed to turn

Into nothing

Nothing

...

Nothing

...

NOTHING

Who I was?

I used to cover myself in colors wild, be visible, be bold. It all drained away. Until I was covered in darkness, hide, be invisible.

I used to be surrounded by music loud, hear me, feel me. It all stopped. My mind was the only thing I could hear anymore, shut up, forget it. 

I used to be. Until I was not. Yet who I was now, I could not even tell no more.

Take it

I take a deep breath in and count one. two. three... and I am free

The only thing I own is my heart

With nothing, but a loud beat of a dum dum dum

I take a deep breath and count to myself

One

Two

Three

I am free

Another time

 How did letting go became easier than letting in?

Running out

Stay low to those lonesome nights. When reaching for dreams seems too unreachable. Your soul is tired and just says no more, not today. No more of that false hope. Stay real. You are just you. Noone is here, noone has been here for a while. 

Stay silent to those quiet days. When opening your mind seems too much. Keeping with your thoughts on your own. Just repeat to yourself, nobody cares what you want to say. Nobody has been caring about your world for a longsome time.

Stay in a dawn. In all those inbetweens. Between the stories of others, between another day where you could feel something. Do not die, do not live - just kinda exist. And remember to let go of all the silly feelings that you might feel. None of that matters. Has never even mattered. That should be enough for a while to keep alive.

 

Find me

When you came along I was already so broken. There is nothing you could have done to break me even more. It is not possible to break something that is broken. 

When you came along I did not need to be healed or fixed. I just needed someone to let me be me with all the missing pieces. Even if at that one moment I was broken in a way that seemed unfixable. 

Through a lifetime of lone nights and empty spaces, I knew how to fix myself bit by bit. In a way that others might say I was still too broken, for myself I was almost whole again. 

When you come along, do not judge, do not try to fix it. Just be your honest self, just be next to me. And I will be my honest self, just next to you. Maybe our almost whole will become one whole again. 

Soft

 I want your lips to kiss all of my softest body parts. I want your fingers to run up and down my skin. I want your eyes to stare into mine. I want your voice to echo in my mind.

I want to use all of the night to talk about us.

 I want you, do you want me?

Not me