Felt

Was I never worth that tiny sliver of stay?

Who was I supposed to love, if those who I loved did not love me back?

Where was I going to find my home, warm and safe, without loosing away most important parts of me?

Dancing could fix anything in me

 

Taken

All the unexpected things happened in that moment. All the troubling thoughts of long lost past, they vanished at once, and all I could see was how attracted I was to those eyes. Her playful nature, her beautiful smile. Her thoughts that had captured me, but I could not hear them at all. Her soft skin and tender hug. All the uncertainties and my usual avoidances, did not matter anymore. My mind was taken over by her. 

Wrap myself

 

Not quite another

I have been at this edge a thousand times. What am I supposed to do?

The words stay silent in my mind, they do not want to roll on my tongue, to tell you truth on how I really feel. 

How am I supposed to?

Trust myself? Has even any single thing been real in my life. And what if all of this is just another fleeting feeling that will pass after a while, once too many goodbyes have been said. Who was I supposed to trusts, when I could not even trust myself after all this time. You know time was the only thing that was not fleeting, it was dragging. Keeping me waiting, looking ahead, false hope breathing.

But maybe the words do not matter anymore. Maybe it was just another small moment to remind me of all good things that I cannot have. Of hugs that have been kept locked away from me. Of kisses never received. And just me, forgotten in a way. Left to fend myself, when I dont even know how.

All these maybes in my wild mind, ups and downs in middle of all the chaos. Never enough certainty.  

So what am I supposed to be?

 

Hide not

When all inside me is twisting and turning

Hurricanes are forming

And I

Crave

Crave 

Crave

To touch it

Wildly

So

In those eyes

Those eyes
Once
Felt like entire skies
How can I forget them so easily
That did not seem feasibly
Those eyes
Once
Meant to be wise
How could I be a fool if I did stare
Without them I couldn't bear
Those eyes
Once
Became to be never seen again
So I became empty and plain
Once
Because of those eyes

Weave me

I am a weaver on paper

I weave lace in my drawings 

Weave words in my stories

Weaver of my own will and mind

Still could not weave enough

For my own life

Another night

Ah, you foolish little heart.

Never could understand why it felt the way it did, why others got the things you wanted so dearly. You only got to dream of them.

Maybe there were lessons to be learned in those long lone nights. But for how long can a lesson be, until it turns into a torture. Silence was an amazing teacher, until it yelled so loud, and all you wished for was to be more.

Ah you foolish little heart.

Knowing you tried to do all the right things, yet still end up in empty embraces. With all the love you wanted to give but only to end up loving your tears rolling down your face. Yet you keep longing for all the impossible things, and that just breaks me in a million different ways.

Foolish, of you to keep fighting, what if all you want the most cannot find its way to you. What if you are not good enough to deserve it to come your way. What if your hopes are just pointlesly sown into the wind. 

What a fool you are, indeed.

 

Don't wait

 No. World did not break for those few moments when she let herself be vulnerably broken. She would wrap her arms around her, tightly. She would find comfort and healing in her own hold. Let the oceans from her eyes pour. Break down for a little bit, just a minute or two. Before she lets herself go from her own embrace and dries herself off. Lifts herself up and while proudly wearing herself she keeps moving on.

No. The world would not stop for her. It would keep spinning and moving on. Just as did she.

That day

 Something else broke in me that day. I am sure it was already chipping away for a while, but that day, in just a minute one, it broke all the way. I cannot name it, I can only feel it. It was there one moment and next, none of it was left. As all the other broken things in me, it will stay with me. Only with me. Just another broken thing to the collection of broken things of my mind.

 

I deserve to be well

 I deserve to be well. 

I deserve all the good things they said I cannot have. I do deserve them. And I can find thousand of reasons why I should not, but instead I want to choose to repeat to myself the same words over and over again.

I deserve to be well.

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to be loved.

Kinda like that

 Whenever I had a chance for a night like this. I dare to say I longed for it for so long. To fall asleep gazing into her wonderful eyes, experiencing her melancholy that she caries within, but never gives in. 

With my hands on her naked skin. Traveling along the highs and lows. Exploring the curves she has acquired, feeling the scars that she has gained. All that life has given her, but she never gives in. 

Softly, warmly trace my fingers up her spine until I reach her soft hair, brush my fingers through it over and over again, but even if she trembles from my touch, she never gives in. 

I might lose my sleep this night, there is no regret in this. I would be ready to lose myself in her everynight, she is a painting and I want to count every brushstroke on her. Savour the simple take of this moment, she is my muse, but she never gives in.

 

Timeless

Sometimes I do not have enough words to fill the silence around me.

My thoughts run empty since they do not even know anymore where to go.

All, but feel so stuck when the time is moving on. 

It stops for noone. 

Not even us. 

Sometimes waiting seems useless. Moving on seems pointless. Just need a moment, when we are given none. 

What we need the most from people we care about, we are given none. Touchless silence, thousand ways to find avoidance in us. Asking is running away. Giving is the same as taking. 

All of this is just a mess. Just loud words to fill the void of freedom. Where you even listening when it mattered? 

Choices that none could make, for the all the reasons unknown. Questionable on both parts, for sure.

Maybe someday I will wake up lighter, until then I carry the dreams heavily. Chaoticaly.

Music I am

 

Spaces

We left spaces for almost everything

Except for us

We were too strong to admit

We were the ones to put crying demons to sleep

For sure they would not believe us

I know

They just wanted to deceive us 

I can hope

One day we will fill these spaces

With each other

We are

 They only ever made art about the beautiful roses. Never about dandelions. So they became the artwork on their own. 

Raw and honest, and barely visible. Perfect if only you look within. They became the sun, the moon and the stars. Undestroyable, always blooming. Dancing in the winds wild, twirling around, enjoyable sight to behold. 

They became a silent wish. Spiteful to those who wished them to be destroyed, not as weak as anyone expected them to be. Tough little fuckers indeed.

Let them make art about beautiful roses, we will become the art itself. We are the dandelions. Spiteful. Undestroyable.

 Invisible to those who do not wish to see honesty. We have our ways to survive wherever. We are rough, tough little fuckers indeed.

 I HOPE I AM YOUR COFFEE

One saturday

You are always on my mind. 

I can feel your hair on my fingertips. Your skin pressing against my skin. Your lips feeling on my lips. 

You are always on my mind. 

About all this time ahead of us, where I want you more than just a temporary stop. I want you as lasting trip that I could enjoy every day, without final stop. To be your adventure you could tell me about, and you could be mine never ending story.

You are always on my mind.

I want you as a book I have read a thousand times, to be kept next to me, so I could read you again one more time or so I would say. Still finding something new everytime in it, maybe a small detail I missed last time. From cover to cover, with my fingers gently going over it.

You are always on my mind.

I want to know you. Be with you. Feel you. I want you more than just on my mind. I want you to be you. I want you to be real. I want to be next to you.

Who is on your mind?

 

Better for next time

 

Easy

I would enjoy your hands on my skin anytime.Everytime.

Moving up and down my back, while I tremble lightly. Slightly.

Gentle moments, small laughs and just few tiny glimpses. Kisses.

Stories and cuddles, my hands on your skin. Makes my head spin.

Simple background music and relaxing sleep. Deep.

I would enjoy you next to me. Everytime.

Anytime.

No returns

 I think the Gods forgot to tell us, when they dropped us. That we could be anything, everything and something at once. But only once in a while. 

And then they tied us together with invisible ties of magic. They let us roam free on different parts of world, laughing as we could not find each other for a longest time.

And here and then they put us back together and we just could not.

Could not let go of each other. Could not get away, all we wanted was to stay and savour each other in all possible ways. Map each other thoroughly, as if no day has past since the last time. 

And it was easy, ouh so easy to forget that the world existed outside. So easy to be in a presence of another. Easier than we ever expected. This was so unexpected. To dance with another in a ways, without hiding in shadows blasted. To be something, anything and nothing at once. 

Until we akwardly had to put our old layers back on. Let go one another from twists none of us could unintervine. Then the Gods will pray for mercy on themselves and all the unexpected ways. Until next time when we meet again.

In the light

Say my name!

Do not let the letters just roll out of your mouth , let them stay on the tip of your tongue so you could say it everytime you want to hear me, even when I am not around.

Kiss me! 

Do not rush when you kiss me, keep it slow, taste me deeply, so I could be taste that lingers on even when I am too far out of reach to be kissed.

Touch me!

Trace your fingers from every hair on my head, till last of my toes. Do not miss an place on my skin, I am a map, that you should use when you are lost. 

Be with me!

I should not be devoured, I should be savoured. So that on the days when I am not next to you could still taste me on your lips, feel my skin next to yours and remember the color of my eyes.

 

Let me

I could not believe someone could ever bring color back into my life.

 I think, think and think until I overthink. I want to draw him with all the wildest colors I own. 

I just do not know where to begin just yet.

Tangled in my mind